Settling In

I have been very slow to update my blog because in all honesty I have wanted to just forget the whole project.  I am reluctant to rehash the sadness and grief, because I have found that just bringing it to mind stirs up physical pain so I thought maybe it is best just to let it all go and be done with it.   Last week I met two women.  I overheard their conversation about the stress of dealing with their mothers who both had dementia.   I finally spoke up and shared my experience.   When they left, one woman came back to thank me saying, “I have been feeling so alone in all this and that no one could possibly understand what I am going through.  Your story has made me feel that someone does understand and cares.”  

So, I will continue.  First of all, I want to share an observation.   For the most part women end up being the primary caretaker for a parent or spouse, but sometimes this responsibility falls on the man. Generally speaking, men have more difficulty sharing their grief or asking for help.   I  have learned that it doesn’t matter who we are, how prepared we think we are, how educated or wealthy we are, when the responsibility falls on our shoulders, we all need emotional support,  and some time out.   We must ask for help.  For us it was Hospice that gave us the most support and reassurance as we muddled through this trying time.  We are so thankful for their help and compassion.

Now back to our settling in.  Once my sister and I accepted that we would have to move mother out of the assisted living facility we started looking for a home we could all live in.  We were fortunate in that my dad had a friend who was selling a home that had three apartments.  Perfect.  However, it was old and there was so much work to do to get it livable and “baby-proofed”.  That’s where my dad came in.  In the past he had built several homes so he was very knowledgeable about what needed to be done and so was a great help: and sometimes a great challenge.  Let’s see, there was the electrical incident, the window incident, the air conditioning incident... all the same we appreciated his help. 

In case you didn't know this, people with dementia can pick locks, and they are good at it.  They can wander off and forget  how to get back home.  This was a big concern for us.  Also one of the reasons why mother had to leave the assisted living facility was that she liked to put things down the toilet.  When the patient can still go to the bathroom on their own, it is very difficult to monitor that and after she came to live with us we made really good friends with a local plumber.  In fact, when she passed away they even sent us a sympathy card.   We also had to put locks on all doors to rooms she didn’t need to be in, like our bedrooms and the office.  However, we took off the locks to her room and bathroom so she wouldn't lock herself in.  When we were finished I ended up with a handful of keys that I literally had to keep hanging on my neck so that I could access the rooms I needed to get into. 

We were now ready to move mother in.  My dad went with me to pick her up and she was very happy to see him.   She didn’t recognize me at all, but because he was there she went with us.  We settled her in, my sister came home from work, we had a family dinner and all seemed well.  The next day I was alone with her.

I will continue in a few days.  Thank you for visiting.